When I was in my early teens and not yet sexually active or masturbating, I read somewhere that a certain percentage of women were physically incapable of reaching orgasm. Guess who subsequently struggled to reach orgasm and therefore worried that she fell into this category?!
This fear that I was one of those doomed women who couldn't orgasm, meant that I was always uptight during sex and whilst masturbating. This is because I was constantly worrying about whether I would orgasm or not, which increased the likelihood that I wouldn't come and therefore reinforced my belief.
It took me many years of masturbation for me to easily reach orgasm. I learnt to relax. I learnt to stop worrying about whether I would come or not and just enjoy what I was feeling. The more I stopped focusing on the fact that I found it hard to orgasm, the easier I came, and eventually I was able to break my self-sabotaging belief.
I wish I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller had been published when I was a teenager, because reading it would have saved me years of worry and frustration. Apparently, the number of women who really are physically incapable of reaching orgasm is minuscule. Which means you're highly unlikely to be one of them.
According to Shere Hite in The Hite Report, the majority of women who had never reached orgasm were under thirty. (Women reach their sexual peak around 36-years-of-age.) So there is at least one compensation for getting older! It also means that if you're currently in your twenties or younger and struggling to orgasm, you will eventually get there. Although I realise this is little comfort now, if the worry that you can't orgasm is contributing to your being inorgasmic, then it may help you to relax and thus enjoy sex/masturbation more.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Female Masturbation Workshops - Would You Attend One?
Back in the 60s/70s/80s Betty Dodson (author of Sex for One) conducted masturbation workshops in the USA, first for women and then, due to popular request, for men.
In these workshops, the dozen or so women would gather together in Dodson's lounge for a weekend and masturbate as a group. The aim was for the women to become more comfortable with their bodies, masturbating and discussing masturbation. As a group they would share what worked for them and what didn't; being able to swap tips meant they could try new things. Dodson didn't perceive masturbation as a poor substitute for sex; she saw it as an essential part of female sexuality. The workshops were hugely popular and Dodson continued running them for many years before calling it a day.
I can't think of anything currently running in the UK which comes anywhere close to this type of class. The nearest I can think of is a Tantric Sex workshop I heard about several years ago; unfortunately the workshop leader wasn't somebody I felt remotely comfortable with and so wasn't even tempted to try it.
I can't decide whether I would be willing to attend such a workshop, should one be available. Part of me is scared by the prospect - masturbation, like sex, is a personal and intimate thing - not something I'm usually willing to perform in front of strangers (even if those strangers are all women). Another part of me would value the availability of such workshops; they help to break down the walls of intimacy-aloofness women can have between themselves. I crave closeness and yet find it hard sometimes to get this need met with women friends. Done well, I think these workshops would help to bring female masturbation out of the closet. Masturbation is natural and normal, but at this point in time, we're still ashamed of it. Done poorly though, the sudden exposure of female masturbation in the media could undo much of the acceptance of this act, which has been so hard won over the decades.
Would you attend a masturbation workshop if it was run by a woman, and whom was deemed by you to be both trustworthy and qualified?
If there is anything you would like to add to this post, your contribution is welcomed in the comments section.
In these workshops, the dozen or so women would gather together in Dodson's lounge for a weekend and masturbate as a group. The aim was for the women to become more comfortable with their bodies, masturbating and discussing masturbation. As a group they would share what worked for them and what didn't; being able to swap tips meant they could try new things. Dodson didn't perceive masturbation as a poor substitute for sex; she saw it as an essential part of female sexuality. The workshops were hugely popular and Dodson continued running them for many years before calling it a day.
I can't think of anything currently running in the UK which comes anywhere close to this type of class. The nearest I can think of is a Tantric Sex workshop I heard about several years ago; unfortunately the workshop leader wasn't somebody I felt remotely comfortable with and so wasn't even tempted to try it.
I can't decide whether I would be willing to attend such a workshop, should one be available. Part of me is scared by the prospect - masturbation, like sex, is a personal and intimate thing - not something I'm usually willing to perform in front of strangers (even if those strangers are all women). Another part of me would value the availability of such workshops; they help to break down the walls of intimacy-aloofness women can have between themselves. I crave closeness and yet find it hard sometimes to get this need met with women friends. Done well, I think these workshops would help to bring female masturbation out of the closet. Masturbation is natural and normal, but at this point in time, we're still ashamed of it. Done poorly though, the sudden exposure of female masturbation in the media could undo much of the acceptance of this act, which has been so hard won over the decades.
Would you attend a masturbation workshop if it was run by a woman, and whom was deemed by you to be both trustworthy and qualified?
If there is anything you would like to add to this post, your contribution is welcomed in the comments section.
Monday, 29 December 2008
If Humans Had Tails...
If you've never bemoaned Homo sapiens's loss of its tail, now is the time to do so! Remember the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle we talked about in an earlier post, and that its strengthening at any opportune moment (supermarket queue/line, traffic jam, etc.), would bring a bigger smile to your orgasming face? Well, if we humans still had tails, we'd be able to wag our way to better orgasms!
No wonder dogs are always so happy!
No wonder dogs are always so happy!
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Female Masturbation - A Poor Substitute for Sex or an Essential Part of Female Sexuality?
Up until recently I viewed masturbation as a poor substitute for sex. It was something I did to keep the 'hysteria'* at bay whilst I was in between partners. Okay, given it has helped me to understand what makes me come and what doesn't, but I still saw it as 'second best' to the 'real thing'.
Whilst I still love sex, I'm starting to view masturbation as something I would do in conjunction with regular sex (I have a high sex drive, untempered as it is, by the contraceptive pill). I see now that I can enjoy both - each would fulfil different needs.
It's interesting that whilst half of women report reaching orgasm every time through masturbation, this falls to only a quarter every time from intercourse. Therefore, masturbation can still be seen as important for women in a relationship. If they don't masturbate, they may easily suffer from sexual frustration because sex is not providing orgasmic relief.
Masturbation is a readily available source of self-love. Sometimes you may want orgasmic release without having sex, and masturbation provides the ideal aid.
Masturbation can also serve another use: Allowing your partner to watch you masturbate sometimes, may allow him/her to understand what turns you on better. Ditto for you.
*Historically, hysteria was the diagnosis given to women who were, essentially, suffering from sexual frustration. A physician would manually bring them to orgasm using his fingers, until the invention of the vibrator, which was developed specifically as an aid to these physicians.
Whilst I still love sex, I'm starting to view masturbation as something I would do in conjunction with regular sex (I have a high sex drive, untempered as it is, by the contraceptive pill). I see now that I can enjoy both - each would fulfil different needs.
It's interesting that whilst half of women report reaching orgasm every time through masturbation, this falls to only a quarter every time from intercourse. Therefore, masturbation can still be seen as important for women in a relationship. If they don't masturbate, they may easily suffer from sexual frustration because sex is not providing orgasmic relief.
Masturbation is a readily available source of self-love. Sometimes you may want orgasmic release without having sex, and masturbation provides the ideal aid.
Masturbation can also serve another use: Allowing your partner to watch you masturbate sometimes, may allow him/her to understand what turns you on better. Ditto for you.
*Historically, hysteria was the diagnosis given to women who were, essentially, suffering from sexual frustration. A physician would manually bring them to orgasm using his fingers, until the invention of the vibrator, which was developed specifically as an aid to these physicians.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Kegel's Orgasmic Patients
Stay with me on this one. Dr Arnold Kegel developed exercises for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle (mercifully shortened to PC muscle), for women suffering with urinary incontinence after childbirth. His name may have been rememebered only by gynaecology students, had his patients not discovered a startling side-effect of their diligence. Women who regularly practised his exercises were rewarded with increased sexual gratification. Meaning...
They had more orgasms!
They had more intense orgasms!
Women who before had been unable to orgasm found they were now able to come!
Woohoo!
The great thing about Kegel exercises is that you can do them anytime, anywhere. On the bus, stuck in a traffic jam, in a boring meeting, in the supermarket queue [line], whilst filling your car up, whilst masturbating, etc.
You will get the best results if you do them on a regular basis, which means remembering to do them. We find it helpful to link performing them with something we do already do. For example, Bunny likes to perform them whilst masturbating (which she does most days), because they make her orgasms better at the same time. If you get stuck in a traffic jam on your way home from work each day, you might want to make this time more productive and practise Kegeling. Find an occasion that works for you.
So, how do you Kegel?
To locate the PC muscle, simply stop the stream of urine next time you're on the toilet. This is the muscle you'll be working on. A word of caution: Once you've located the muscle this way, don't use each visit to the bathroom as your practise session; because repeatedly stopping-starting the stream of urine can (we understand) contribute to bladder infections.
Now that you've located the PC muscle, there are different 'exercise routines'(!) you can try:
1. Quick squeezes: quickly squeeze the PC muscle 15 times, then pause for 30 seconds and repeat. The first time you do it, perform 15 reps. The aim is to work your way up to 100 reps, twice a day.
2. Slow hold and release: slowly tighten the muscle and hold it for 5 seconds, then release slowly. Aim for eventually 25 reps twice a day.
3. Thirds: tighten the muscle one third of the way, pause, then squeeze until two thirds of the way, pause, then squeeze until all the way. Aim for 10 reps twice a day.
The idea is to make Kegeling fun for yourself, because let's face it, if you don't enjoy the act, you're not going to do them, no matter what promises of mind-blowing orgasms we tempt you with.
If you're completely unmoved by the thought of Kegeling, try squeezing your vibrator with your PC muscles next time you masturbate - you never know, the Earth may move (go on, allow me the pun). :)
They had more orgasms!
They had more intense orgasms!
Women who before had been unable to orgasm found they were now able to come!
Woohoo!
The great thing about Kegel exercises is that you can do them anytime, anywhere. On the bus, stuck in a traffic jam, in a boring meeting, in the supermarket queue [line], whilst filling your car up, whilst masturbating, etc.
You will get the best results if you do them on a regular basis, which means remembering to do them. We find it helpful to link performing them with something we do already do. For example, Bunny likes to perform them whilst masturbating (which she does most days), because they make her orgasms better at the same time. If you get stuck in a traffic jam on your way home from work each day, you might want to make this time more productive and practise Kegeling. Find an occasion that works for you.
So, how do you Kegel?
To locate the PC muscle, simply stop the stream of urine next time you're on the toilet. This is the muscle you'll be working on. A word of caution: Once you've located the muscle this way, don't use each visit to the bathroom as your practise session; because repeatedly stopping-starting the stream of urine can (we understand) contribute to bladder infections.
Now that you've located the PC muscle, there are different 'exercise routines'(!) you can try:
1. Quick squeezes: quickly squeeze the PC muscle 15 times, then pause for 30 seconds and repeat. The first time you do it, perform 15 reps. The aim is to work your way up to 100 reps, twice a day.
2. Slow hold and release: slowly tighten the muscle and hold it for 5 seconds, then release slowly. Aim for eventually 25 reps twice a day.
3. Thirds: tighten the muscle one third of the way, pause, then squeeze until two thirds of the way, pause, then squeeze until all the way. Aim for 10 reps twice a day.
The idea is to make Kegeling fun for yourself, because let's face it, if you don't enjoy the act, you're not going to do them, no matter what promises of mind-blowing orgasms we tempt you with.
If you're completely unmoved by the thought of Kegeling, try squeezing your vibrator with your PC muscles next time you masturbate - you never know, the Earth may move (go on, allow me the pun). :)
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Is Female Masturbation Evil?
I'm not clear why masturbation is still seen as wrong by religious orders. I realise the story of Onan in the Bible is used to condemn masturbation and, by the Catholic Church, sex without procreation. [Which to me smacks of a supposedly loving and merciful god killing two people for having independent thought.] However, biblical scholars view the killing of the two brothers Onan and Er to be an eponymous etiological myth - i.e. it didn't really happen as described, but is really meant to allude to the dying out of a clan. I'm no biblical scholar, but that to me rules out the connection between Onan and masturbation.
I'm not keen on the word evil, as I believe that all human actions are performed in an attempt to meet universal human needs (e.g. love, autonomy, independence, trust, honesty, etc. - for a full list, I overwhelmingly recommend the life-changing book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.); however, the strategy used to try and meet those needs may be tragic. For clarity, I'm not condoning anything that harms people (murder, rape, theft, etc.), I'm simply saying that I don't think labelling these actions as evil is helpful. I realise this is a radical way of viewing the world, so if you're interested, I recommend reading Rosenberg's book (above).
So, coming from this angle, we can simply ask, "Is masturbation harmful to me?"
Let's take a look:
Does masturbation cause physical harm?
No.
Contrary to popular myth, masturbation does not make you go blind or insane, cause acne, or make hairs grow on the palms of your hands.
In reality, the opposite is true - masturbation is physically good for you. It improves immunity, increases circulation, helps you to relax, and releases feel-good hormones into the bloodstream.
Does masturbation give rise to sexually transmitted diseases?
No.
Masturbation is the safest form of sex. You can't transmit any kind of STD to yourself from masturbation, unless you're already infected. For example, if you have a cold sore on your mouth (oral herpes), don't touch it and then masturbate without washing your hands first, as you'll give yourself genital herpes (for the same reason, don't give your partner oral sex if you have a cold sore).
You also can't get pregnant from masturbation, which makes me wonder why it isn't included in all of the sex education programs.
Will masturbation prevent you from enjoying sex?
No.
Masturbation can help you to enjoy sex more; the more you learn about what turns you on and what doesn't, the easier it'll be to convey to your partner what you do and don't like. Meaning, the more you understand what makes you come (and, just as importantly, what prevents you from coming); the more likely you are to orgasm.
Is masturbation harmful to anyone else?
Unless you're masturbating in front of a minor, or inflicting the act upon an unwilling adult viewer, we can't see how it can be harmful to anyone else.
I'm not keen on the word evil, as I believe that all human actions are performed in an attempt to meet universal human needs (e.g. love, autonomy, independence, trust, honesty, etc. - for a full list, I overwhelmingly recommend the life-changing book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.); however, the strategy used to try and meet those needs may be tragic. For clarity, I'm not condoning anything that harms people (murder, rape, theft, etc.), I'm simply saying that I don't think labelling these actions as evil is helpful. I realise this is a radical way of viewing the world, so if you're interested, I recommend reading Rosenberg's book (above).
So, coming from this angle, we can simply ask, "Is masturbation harmful to me?"
Let's take a look:
Does masturbation cause physical harm?
No.
Contrary to popular myth, masturbation does not make you go blind or insane, cause acne, or make hairs grow on the palms of your hands.
In reality, the opposite is true - masturbation is physically good for you. It improves immunity, increases circulation, helps you to relax, and releases feel-good hormones into the bloodstream.
Does masturbation give rise to sexually transmitted diseases?
No.
Masturbation is the safest form of sex. You can't transmit any kind of STD to yourself from masturbation, unless you're already infected. For example, if you have a cold sore on your mouth (oral herpes), don't touch it and then masturbate without washing your hands first, as you'll give yourself genital herpes (for the same reason, don't give your partner oral sex if you have a cold sore).
You also can't get pregnant from masturbation, which makes me wonder why it isn't included in all of the sex education programs.
Will masturbation prevent you from enjoying sex?
No.
Masturbation can help you to enjoy sex more; the more you learn about what turns you on and what doesn't, the easier it'll be to convey to your partner what you do and don't like. Meaning, the more you understand what makes you come (and, just as importantly, what prevents you from coming); the more likely you are to orgasm.
Is masturbation harmful to anyone else?
Unless you're masturbating in front of a minor, or inflicting the act upon an unwilling adult viewer, we can't see how it can be harmful to anyone else.
Friday, 19 December 2008
Body Image & Orgasms
Do you like your own body? Does looking at it bring you pleasure or do you stare critically at it, only seeing what you perceive as faults?
I don't know about you, but I grew-up with a very poor body image; obese as a child, I was picked on at school about my weight. This led me to hate my body as an adolescent. It has taken me many years to accept myself; helped by a healthy diet and exercising through enjoyable hobbies (dancing and martial arts). As an aside: If you've never managed to stick to an exercise routine, chances are you were going to the gym and/or doing a form of exercise for the sake of exercising; rather than something which you enjoyed doing, but which just so happened to involve exercise as well. I learnt this tip from male friends; why punish yourself through exercise when you can have a good time instead? Clever huh?! [This is possibly one of the reasons why there are fewer obese men than women.]
As for a healthy diet, I'm convinced most dieters fail because they've been tricked into believing that they can still eat 'treats', but just not as often. Some people have the willpower required to only occasionally eat calorie-laden nutrient-empty foods. Most people do not fall into this category. Try giving-up junk foods for good and you will eventually lose the taste for them. The reason why you currently crave them is because they are loaded with salt and sugar. Oh, and the reason why you crave food in general is because your body is crying-out for nutrients, so eating nutrient-dense foods will help curb these cravings.
Anyway, I digress... If we're loony enough to compare ourselves to images of airbrushed supermodels, we are, of course, doomed to measure-up short. With the resultant anguish this causes. This matters not only because of the negative impact it has on our self-esteem, but also because a poor body image can prevent us from enjoying sex. If, during a bit of horizontal jogging (yes, you can include sex in your exercise quotient), all you can focus on is how big your thighs are, don't be surprised if you don't orgasm. Orgasms come to those who focus on the sensations of pleasure, not to body-obsessed worry worts.
Yes, it's unfair. Believe me, I know.
Masturbation can help to shift your focus from 'how big your thighs are' to what feels good. Hopefully, if no one else is looking at you, your negative self-talk may be quietened a little, and you may be able to reach orgasm.
Has this helped?
I don't know about you, but I grew-up with a very poor body image; obese as a child, I was picked on at school about my weight. This led me to hate my body as an adolescent. It has taken me many years to accept myself; helped by a healthy diet and exercising through enjoyable hobbies (dancing and martial arts). As an aside: If you've never managed to stick to an exercise routine, chances are you were going to the gym and/or doing a form of exercise for the sake of exercising; rather than something which you enjoyed doing, but which just so happened to involve exercise as well. I learnt this tip from male friends; why punish yourself through exercise when you can have a good time instead? Clever huh?! [This is possibly one of the reasons why there are fewer obese men than women.]
As for a healthy diet, I'm convinced most dieters fail because they've been tricked into believing that they can still eat 'treats', but just not as often. Some people have the willpower required to only occasionally eat calorie-laden nutrient-empty foods. Most people do not fall into this category. Try giving-up junk foods for good and you will eventually lose the taste for them. The reason why you currently crave them is because they are loaded with salt and sugar. Oh, and the reason why you crave food in general is because your body is crying-out for nutrients, so eating nutrient-dense foods will help curb these cravings.
Anyway, I digress... If we're loony enough to compare ourselves to images of airbrushed supermodels, we are, of course, doomed to measure-up short. With the resultant anguish this causes. This matters not only because of the negative impact it has on our self-esteem, but also because a poor body image can prevent us from enjoying sex. If, during a bit of horizontal jogging (yes, you can include sex in your exercise quotient), all you can focus on is how big your thighs are, don't be surprised if you don't orgasm. Orgasms come to those who focus on the sensations of pleasure, not to body-obsessed worry worts.
Yes, it's unfair. Believe me, I know.
Masturbation can help to shift your focus from 'how big your thighs are' to what feels good. Hopefully, if no one else is looking at you, your negative self-talk may be quietened a little, and you may be able to reach orgasm.
Has this helped?
Thursday, 18 December 2008
Vibrator Addiction
Are you addicted to your vibrator?
Actually, the questions should be, "Is it possible to get addicted to your vibrator?"
I can confirm that Kitty is totally addicted in every way and that yes, you can get addicted to your vibrator and there's no known cure, other than to do what the Mormons say and give up masturbation forever. Sorry about that.
I am, of course, joking!
By addiction to their vibrator, women mean that if they become accustomed to orgasming by using one, will this mean they can't orgasm any other way? This myth has been making the rounds and so we thought the has come time to quash it.
Studies have shown that most women who use vibrators can still orgasm through other forms of stimulation. However, if you can only orgasm using a vibrator, or it's your favourite way to come, not to worry, you could simply incorporate the vibrator into your sex life for the rest of your days. There is no rule to say that you can't.
If, having used a vibrator, you find it harder to come with the help of a hand or tongue, stop using the vibrator for a while and give your body time to readjust to these subtler sensations.
Your orgasm will vary depending on the type of stimulation. However, direct stimulation of the genitals isn't the only turn-on; erotic thoughts, dressing-up, dominant sex, etc., can all help to tip you over the edge. Which means that whilst you may need a vibrator during masturbation, your partner may provide additional turn-ons, allowing you to come from the subtler stimulation of fingers/tongue.
Actually, the questions should be, "Is it possible to get addicted to your vibrator?"
I can confirm that Kitty is totally addicted in every way and that yes, you can get addicted to your vibrator and there's no known cure, other than to do what the Mormons say and give up masturbation forever. Sorry about that.
I am, of course, joking!
By addiction to their vibrator, women mean that if they become accustomed to orgasming by using one, will this mean they can't orgasm any other way? This myth has been making the rounds and so we thought the has come time to quash it.
Studies have shown that most women who use vibrators can still orgasm through other forms of stimulation. However, if you can only orgasm using a vibrator, or it's your favourite way to come, not to worry, you could simply incorporate the vibrator into your sex life for the rest of your days. There is no rule to say that you can't.
If, having used a vibrator, you find it harder to come with the help of a hand or tongue, stop using the vibrator for a while and give your body time to readjust to these subtler sensations.
Your orgasm will vary depending on the type of stimulation. However, direct stimulation of the genitals isn't the only turn-on; erotic thoughts, dressing-up, dominant sex, etc., can all help to tip you over the edge. Which means that whilst you may need a vibrator during masturbation, your partner may provide additional turn-ons, allowing you to come from the subtler stimulation of fingers/tongue.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Would You Masturbate in Front of Your Female Friends?
Would you masturbate in front of your female friends? A lot of women are happy masturbating in front of their boyfriend/partner/husband, but what about their female friends? We're not talking about so they can watch, unless that is something which you want to do, we're simply talking about two heterosexual women masturbating at the same time, in the same room.
We're not suggesting you suddenly start masturbating whilst one of your friends is round, that is, inflicting it upon an unwilling participant; we're talking about two women agreeing to masturbate in the same room.
It's something that we've recently started doing. It started off that we'd talk about masturbation, then talk about when we'd masturbated and our experience of that particular orgasm, and then we'd happen to be together when we were both feeling randy. So, we'd begin masturbating at the same time, but in different rooms, and then wait until the other person had finished. Until one day Bunny suggested doing it in the same room; we don't watch each other, that's not what this is about for us. It's simply a way of sharing more intimacy. We then snuggle afterwards. It's more intimacy that we as women can easily share; it makes masturbation even less of a taboo and we think it's important to break-down this wall of fear associated with masturbation. We think the more women become comfortable doing it in front of their female friends, the faster masturbation will be viewed as the normal act which it is, and the sooner masturbation taboos will disappear from society.
We're not suggesting you suddenly start masturbating whilst one of your friends is round, that is, inflicting it upon an unwilling participant; we're talking about two women agreeing to masturbate in the same room.
It's something that we've recently started doing. It started off that we'd talk about masturbation, then talk about when we'd masturbated and our experience of that particular orgasm, and then we'd happen to be together when we were both feeling randy. So, we'd begin masturbating at the same time, but in different rooms, and then wait until the other person had finished. Until one day Bunny suggested doing it in the same room; we don't watch each other, that's not what this is about for us. It's simply a way of sharing more intimacy. We then snuggle afterwards. It's more intimacy that we as women can easily share; it makes masturbation even less of a taboo and we think it's important to break-down this wall of fear associated with masturbation. We think the more women become comfortable doing it in front of their female friends, the faster masturbation will be viewed as the normal act which it is, and the sooner masturbation taboos will disappear from society.
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
How Often Do You Masturbate?
How often do you masturbate?
I (Bunny), usually masturbate on a daily basis. Sometimes I'll masturbate more than once a day. If I go for more than a few days without masturbating then I'll have really sexy dreams which involve either having sex with someone or masturbating. I've masturbated this frequently since I can remember, certainly since I was 21 (I'm now 35).
I've recently been ill with a bad cold and so haven't masturbated for several days; the malaise that came with the cold has killed-off my desire too.
When Kitty was on the contraceptive pill, she found it incredible that Bunny masturbated so frequently. She just couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to masturbate so much - just what was the appeal? Then she came off the pill and realised what she'd been missing. She now masturbates on an almost daily basis. Before she used to masturbate only when she had her period each month (i.e. when she wasn't taking the pill).
I find that sexual desire has a cycle; some months I can go for a week or so without masturbating. I'll then have a stint of feeling exceptionally randy and can't get enough, and masturbate several times a day. Although increased sexual desire in women has been associated with the peak of hormones during ovulation (which evens out after the menopause and also when taking the contraceptive pill), I don't find that my desire is a slave to such peaks. I can be at my randiest just before my period, and my desire may or may not increase during my fertile peaks.
Masturbation has lots of health benefits; it can improve immunity, help us to relax and relieve pain. It's also a regular and consistent source of pleasure. For these reasons, we're big fans of it, and don't think anybody should stint on it. We realise though that it's an entirely personal thing; how often is down to your own preferences. We've created a poll to see the masturbation habits of other women and invite you to participate - all answers are anonymous. We'll write about the results when the poll closes in a few month's time.
I (Bunny), usually masturbate on a daily basis. Sometimes I'll masturbate more than once a day. If I go for more than a few days without masturbating then I'll have really sexy dreams which involve either having sex with someone or masturbating. I've masturbated this frequently since I can remember, certainly since I was 21 (I'm now 35).
I've recently been ill with a bad cold and so haven't masturbated for several days; the malaise that came with the cold has killed-off my desire too.
When Kitty was on the contraceptive pill, she found it incredible that Bunny masturbated so frequently. She just couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to masturbate so much - just what was the appeal? Then she came off the pill and realised what she'd been missing. She now masturbates on an almost daily basis. Before she used to masturbate only when she had her period each month (i.e. when she wasn't taking the pill).
I find that sexual desire has a cycle; some months I can go for a week or so without masturbating. I'll then have a stint of feeling exceptionally randy and can't get enough, and masturbate several times a day. Although increased sexual desire in women has been associated with the peak of hormones during ovulation (which evens out after the menopause and also when taking the contraceptive pill), I don't find that my desire is a slave to such peaks. I can be at my randiest just before my period, and my desire may or may not increase during my fertile peaks.
Masturbation has lots of health benefits; it can improve immunity, help us to relax and relieve pain. It's also a regular and consistent source of pleasure. For these reasons, we're big fans of it, and don't think anybody should stint on it. We realise though that it's an entirely personal thing; how often is down to your own preferences. We've created a poll to see the masturbation habits of other women and invite you to participate - all answers are anonymous. We'll write about the results when the poll closes in a few month's time.
Monday, 15 December 2008
Female Friendships
Women frequently drop their female friendships when a man comes along. It is the most common complaint, that a friendship once cherished is no longer nurtured by the other woman, because she got married and now doesn't have time for her friendships.
Although common, this is a foolish situation for women to get themselves into. If anything happens to their husband, if their relationship falls apart, it is their friends they'll need to turn to and yet won't have if they've failed to sustain them.
Why are women so willing to drop their female friendships when a man comes along? Is it because society doesn't view female friendships as important and therefore women get sucked into this belief? Women frequently complain that they no longer have time to spend with their female friends, but is that because they take on more than their fair share of household chores, childcare and work? What if they were to maintain firmer boundaries and not allow themselves to become overwhelmed with responsibilities? Men might not like it, but women wouldn't feel so burned out.
Being aware that it's common for women to drop their friendships when they get married, is the first step in preventing yourself from committing the same mistake. Women receive a huge amount of emotional support from their friendships and so it makes sense to maintain them, even when you get married.
Although common, this is a foolish situation for women to get themselves into. If anything happens to their husband, if their relationship falls apart, it is their friends they'll need to turn to and yet won't have if they've failed to sustain them.
Why are women so willing to drop their female friendships when a man comes along? Is it because society doesn't view female friendships as important and therefore women get sucked into this belief? Women frequently complain that they no longer have time to spend with their female friends, but is that because they take on more than their fair share of household chores, childcare and work? What if they were to maintain firmer boundaries and not allow themselves to become overwhelmed with responsibilities? Men might not like it, but women wouldn't feel so burned out.
Being aware that it's common for women to drop their friendships when they get married, is the first step in preventing yourself from committing the same mistake. Women receive a huge amount of emotional support from their friendships and so it makes sense to maintain them, even when you get married.
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Female Intimacy
How intimate are you willing to be with your female friends? Have you ever snuggled in bed with them? Maybe kissed them? There appears to be a barrier as to what is an acceptable level of intimacy for two heterosexual women to have with each other. Except we're not too keen on the word heterosexual anymore, as we prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, rather than cut-and-dried.
Society would prefer to see any kind of sexual intimacy between two women as taboo. It's still not keen on lesbians and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Notice the eyebrows raised if two female friends choose to buy a house together. The automatic assumption is that they must be lesbians, not to mention that being a lesbian is a bad thing. Living in this kind of society, therefore, we're experimenting without any kind of guidelines in place. As we've mentioned before, we like the 'Do No Harm' code of ethics; if you're not hurting yourself, the other person or anybody else, then what happens between two consenting adults is up to them.
We do think it's important to experiment though. When women become happy sharing intimacy with each other, rather than believing it has to be kept solely with a man, they will no longer be controlled by peer pressure. When the fear of being labelled a lesbian no longer holds any fear for women, when it no longer has any kind of control over them, they can stop being bitchy towards each other in the workplace, and start supporting and empowering each other instead. In her book, The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women, Shere Hite believes women backstabbing each other is down to this fear of being seen as becoming too intimate with another woman and consequently being labelled a lesbian. Whereas if women are constantly bickering and fighting, no one is going to accuse them of such a thing.
The first step to becoming more intimate with female friends is to realise that there's nothing wrong with it. Cuddling on the settee whilst watching a film, is a perfectly acceptable way for two friends to spend time with each other. If you think this is self-evident and are already intimate with female friends, then congratulations. If the thought scares you, Why does it? Is it the fear of being labelled a lesbian that scares you? If so, realise that society uses this taboo as a very effective weapon for controlling women. If women are afraid to get their intimacy needs met with other women, they can only look to men, which keeps them locked into their reproductive role in society.
It's time for women to cast-off the fear associated with same-sex intimacy and instead treat the taboo with the contempt it deserves.
Society would prefer to see any kind of sexual intimacy between two women as taboo. It's still not keen on lesbians and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Notice the eyebrows raised if two female friends choose to buy a house together. The automatic assumption is that they must be lesbians, not to mention that being a lesbian is a bad thing. Living in this kind of society, therefore, we're experimenting without any kind of guidelines in place. As we've mentioned before, we like the 'Do No Harm' code of ethics; if you're not hurting yourself, the other person or anybody else, then what happens between two consenting adults is up to them.
We do think it's important to experiment though. When women become happy sharing intimacy with each other, rather than believing it has to be kept solely with a man, they will no longer be controlled by peer pressure. When the fear of being labelled a lesbian no longer holds any fear for women, when it no longer has any kind of control over them, they can stop being bitchy towards each other in the workplace, and start supporting and empowering each other instead. In her book, The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women, Shere Hite believes women backstabbing each other is down to this fear of being seen as becoming too intimate with another woman and consequently being labelled a lesbian. Whereas if women are constantly bickering and fighting, no one is going to accuse them of such a thing.
The first step to becoming more intimate with female friends is to realise that there's nothing wrong with it. Cuddling on the settee whilst watching a film, is a perfectly acceptable way for two friends to spend time with each other. If you think this is self-evident and are already intimate with female friends, then congratulations. If the thought scares you, Why does it? Is it the fear of being labelled a lesbian that scares you? If so, realise that society uses this taboo as a very effective weapon for controlling women. If women are afraid to get their intimacy needs met with other women, they can only look to men, which keeps them locked into their reproductive role in society.
It's time for women to cast-off the fear associated with same-sex intimacy and instead treat the taboo with the contempt it deserves.
Friday, 12 December 2008
'The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women' by Shere Hite
Every now and again in my life I come across a book which completely transforms my way of thinking. I believe 'The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women' by Shere Hite could become one of them.
Hite's book is potentially groundbreaking work on female relationships (not, as you may presume, solely lesbian relationships), and how the lack of open and honest communication between mothers and daughters on female sexuality during childhood is damaging not only their own relationship, but the relationship between sisters, female friendships and women's advancement in society.
Even today, women may feel more pride identifying with their fathers than their mothers. There's still something shameful, something inferior, about being a woman, and this belief is pervasive and insidious in society. Given this belief, women are left with the feeling that if they accept who they are and identify themselves as women, it's akin to admitting they're failures and 'second class citizens'. A person whom by dint of her sex is unworthy of an executive job, high-paid salary and equality in the workplace - who would want to associate herself as such?
This shame about being a woman is laid during childhood, believes Hite, by mothers refusing to be open and honest with their daughters about their sexuality.
Teenage girls desperately want to know more about their mother's body and sex life, so that they can then better understand their own. Yet the mother is naturally unforthcoming about such information; the changes are happening to the girl and she has many puzzling questions about it, yet her mother is keeping the answers hidden, a secret. Why isn't the girl allowed to ask her mother about her own body and sexuality? Even if the mother is willing to discuss periods with her daughter, she will rarely share her own experiences of this phenomenon; meaning the girl is supposed to accept this intrusion into her personal life by the mother, but not the other way round. This lack of two-way conversation is possibly the reason why teenage girls develop an irritable relationship with their mothers.
Girls cannot understand why their mother is so coy about her own sexuality. Why must it be kept hidden away as if it doesn't exist? Is there something shameful about a woman being sexual? What about orgasms, is it okay for women to have them? These questions are frequently in the child's minds, even if she may not have the words in which to express them. When sexuality is hidden as it is by the mother, these questions remained unanswered and form a barrier between mother and daughter. Daughters feel that they cannot trust their mother - they live with this person and yet there is a huge part of her that remains hidden, unspoken of. The daughter may feel it is unfair that her mother knows a lot about her and frequently sees her body, but is unwilling to share intimate details about herself.
Daughters presume that because the mother is unwilling to share her sexuality, that there must be something wrong with a girl being sexual, having a sex life and having orgasms. If there wasn't, why wouldn't her mother be more upfront about it? This is where the shame of being a woman starts. This lack of mistrust between mother and daughter is also the start of women's lifelong poor relationships with other women; the bickering, backstabbing and lack of nurturing between women that has become so prevalent in society.
Mothers and daughters developing two-way, open and honest communication about sexuality could pave the way for more nurturing female relationships in society. And make women who are proud to be women, because the essence of who we are as sexual beings is no longer viewed as shameful and demeaning.
Hite has come under fire by psychologists in the past for the lack of rigour in her sampling methods, leading to flawed results. This Hite Report was published late 2007 and so far, I've been unable to find information on the web which either supports or discredits her sampling methods for this Hite Report. I hope, for the sake of the crucial message in this book, she has learnt from previous mistakes and been more rigorous this time.
Hite's book is potentially groundbreaking work on female relationships (not, as you may presume, solely lesbian relationships), and how the lack of open and honest communication between mothers and daughters on female sexuality during childhood is damaging not only their own relationship, but the relationship between sisters, female friendships and women's advancement in society.
Even today, women may feel more pride identifying with their fathers than their mothers. There's still something shameful, something inferior, about being a woman, and this belief is pervasive and insidious in society. Given this belief, women are left with the feeling that if they accept who they are and identify themselves as women, it's akin to admitting they're failures and 'second class citizens'. A person whom by dint of her sex is unworthy of an executive job, high-paid salary and equality in the workplace - who would want to associate herself as such?
This shame about being a woman is laid during childhood, believes Hite, by mothers refusing to be open and honest with their daughters about their sexuality.
Teenage girls desperately want to know more about their mother's body and sex life, so that they can then better understand their own. Yet the mother is naturally unforthcoming about such information; the changes are happening to the girl and she has many puzzling questions about it, yet her mother is keeping the answers hidden, a secret. Why isn't the girl allowed to ask her mother about her own body and sexuality? Even if the mother is willing to discuss periods with her daughter, she will rarely share her own experiences of this phenomenon; meaning the girl is supposed to accept this intrusion into her personal life by the mother, but not the other way round. This lack of two-way conversation is possibly the reason why teenage girls develop an irritable relationship with their mothers.
Girls cannot understand why their mother is so coy about her own sexuality. Why must it be kept hidden away as if it doesn't exist? Is there something shameful about a woman being sexual? What about orgasms, is it okay for women to have them? These questions are frequently in the child's minds, even if she may not have the words in which to express them. When sexuality is hidden as it is by the mother, these questions remained unanswered and form a barrier between mother and daughter. Daughters feel that they cannot trust their mother - they live with this person and yet there is a huge part of her that remains hidden, unspoken of. The daughter may feel it is unfair that her mother knows a lot about her and frequently sees her body, but is unwilling to share intimate details about herself.
Daughters presume that because the mother is unwilling to share her sexuality, that there must be something wrong with a girl being sexual, having a sex life and having orgasms. If there wasn't, why wouldn't her mother be more upfront about it? This is where the shame of being a woman starts. This lack of mistrust between mother and daughter is also the start of women's lifelong poor relationships with other women; the bickering, backstabbing and lack of nurturing between women that has become so prevalent in society.
Mothers and daughters developing two-way, open and honest communication about sexuality could pave the way for more nurturing female relationships in society. And make women who are proud to be women, because the essence of who we are as sexual beings is no longer viewed as shameful and demeaning.
Hite has come under fire by psychologists in the past for the lack of rigour in her sampling methods, leading to flawed results. This Hite Report was published late 2007 and so far, I've been unable to find information on the web which either supports or discredits her sampling methods for this Hite Report. I hope, for the sake of the crucial message in this book, she has learnt from previous mistakes and been more rigorous this time.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Sex and Science
Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Sex and Science by Mary Roach, is an off-the-wall account of the ins-and-outs of shagging delivered with her dry wit.
Bonk is an enjoyable romp through human sex-research history. You get intimate with the sex researchers of the past, and the extraordinary lengths they underwent to conceal their work from disapproving eyes, because sex you see, far from being a natural phenomenon of human nature, is really a taboo.
You learn about Alfred Kinsey, the earliest sex researcher, who spent many a night in his attic watching couples having sex. He did this, not because he was a pervert, but because he had to perform his research under great secrecy. This was well before the time of Masters & Johnson, who incidentally, also make an appearance.
She relates the account of Maria Bonaparte, whom being a woman of great sexual appetite, took herself upon a quest to discover why she couldn't orgasm during intercourse. The reason, she discovered, was probably not because she was married to a gay man, but because her clitoris was positioned too far from her vagina, so that the penis didn't stimulate it during sex. Unfortunately for her, even having her clitoris moved to a closer proximity, did not result in the desired-for orgasm. Neither did changing her sexual partner - several affairs were unable to leave her satisfied.
There's also 1988 U.S. Patent 4,722,327 'Therapeutic Apparatus for Relieving Sexual Frustrations in Women Without Sex Partners'
Which is a machine consisting of a dildo attached to a track, so that it can simulate a thrusting motion. Harvey, the inventor, was clear in his mind as to why his machine was a necessity for 'women without sex partners'.
"'Vibrators and sex aids... cannot satisfy the true needs of a partnerless woman who wants not only the ultimate climax or orgasm, but also the feeling that she is actually having sex with a partner.'"
Harvey obviously had high hopes for his machine acting as a viable replacement for the real thing. Roach, however, points out that Harvey was possibly missing some of the finer qualities that shagging a real man provides:
"On some level, Harvey must have sensed that certain aspects of an actual partner were missing - warmth, say, or personality, arms and legs, a head, a soul. Harvey could not provide these things..."
There is one thing though that Harvey's machine could provide; at the base of the penial assembly was a cuff of hair or fur, which gave, "'the look and feel of a male's pubic hair.'"
Which Roach goes on to describe as akin to, "having sex with a shoe buffer."
Bonk is an enjoyable romp through human sex-research history. You get intimate with the sex researchers of the past, and the extraordinary lengths they underwent to conceal their work from disapproving eyes, because sex you see, far from being a natural phenomenon of human nature, is really a taboo.
You learn about Alfred Kinsey, the earliest sex researcher, who spent many a night in his attic watching couples having sex. He did this, not because he was a pervert, but because he had to perform his research under great secrecy. This was well before the time of Masters & Johnson, who incidentally, also make an appearance.
She relates the account of Maria Bonaparte, whom being a woman of great sexual appetite, took herself upon a quest to discover why she couldn't orgasm during intercourse. The reason, she discovered, was probably not because she was married to a gay man, but because her clitoris was positioned too far from her vagina, so that the penis didn't stimulate it during sex. Unfortunately for her, even having her clitoris moved to a closer proximity, did not result in the desired-for orgasm. Neither did changing her sexual partner - several affairs were unable to leave her satisfied.
There's also 1988 U.S. Patent 4,722,327 'Therapeutic Apparatus for Relieving Sexual Frustrations in Women Without Sex Partners'
Which is a machine consisting of a dildo attached to a track, so that it can simulate a thrusting motion. Harvey, the inventor, was clear in his mind as to why his machine was a necessity for 'women without sex partners'.
"'Vibrators and sex aids... cannot satisfy the true needs of a partnerless woman who wants not only the ultimate climax or orgasm, but also the feeling that she is actually having sex with a partner.'"
Harvey obviously had high hopes for his machine acting as a viable replacement for the real thing. Roach, however, points out that Harvey was possibly missing some of the finer qualities that shagging a real man provides:
"On some level, Harvey must have sensed that certain aspects of an actual partner were missing - warmth, say, or personality, arms and legs, a head, a soul. Harvey could not provide these things..."
There is one thing though that Harvey's machine could provide; at the base of the penial assembly was a cuff of hair or fur, which gave, "'the look and feel of a male's pubic hair.'"
Which Roach goes on to describe as akin to, "having sex with a shoe buffer."
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Erectile Dysfunction
Whilst I realise that I'm wildly veering off the topic of female masturbation for this post, I consider the subject matter important enough to do so.
Erectile dysfunction has shown to be an early warning sign of heart disease. So if your husband/male partner can't get it up, consider a trip to the doctor to have it assessed. Most men are so embarrassed by the stigma attached to erectile dysfunction that they will avoid seeking help; however, they do so at their peril.
Erectile dysfunction has shown to be an early warning sign of heart disease. So if your husband/male partner can't get it up, consider a trip to the doctor to have it assessed. Most men are so embarrassed by the stigma attached to erectile dysfunction that they will avoid seeking help; however, they do so at their peril.
Saturday, 6 December 2008
Fritz Klein Sexual Orientation Quiz
Bunny scored an average of 1.43
Kitty scored an average of 2.71
Meaning
This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:0 = exclusively heterosexual
1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual
2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual
3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual
5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual
6 = exclusively homosexual
Summary
The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.
Take the quiz
Friday, 5 December 2008
Women Loving Women
If you're a heterosexual woman who is curious about sex with other women, then we can highly recommend 'Women Loving Women: Appreciating and Exploring the Beauty of Erotic Female Encounters' by Jamye Waxman. It's an exploratory book with a self-accepting message.
We live in a society that has pigeon-holes for sexuality; heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. In reality, sexuality is a spectrum - women (and men) can be interested in, and attracted to, the same sex, without considering themselves to be gay or bi.
In the late 1940s Alfred Kinsey developed a sexuality scale based on people's fantasies and real-life experiences. His scale ranged from 0 to 6, with 0 being completely heterosexual (i.e. had never had sexual thoughts about somebody of the same sex), 3 being a true bisexual and 6 being completely homosexual. His results were astonishing; only 10% of the population were a 0 or 6, everybody else fell somewhere along the spectrum.
Dr Fritz Klein later expanded on the Kinsey scale. He believed that a person's sexuality was not fixed and could change over the course of his or her lifetime. Which means that whilst you or I may have considered ourselves to be heterosexual during adolescence, we may now find ourselves attracted to women, or vice versa, or that our sexuality hasn't changed at all. I find this fascinating, because it means we can choose and re-choose what makes us happy, sex-wise, throughout our lives. Life is an exciting journey - if we allow it to be - and high self-esteem will carry us through any uncertainty this may cause. Klein wanted to show that we didn't have to limit our sexuality to those whom we fantasized about and/or screwed, but can include those we have close interactions with, and that it evolves over time.
Society, however, has unhelpful taboos around sexuality. These taboos exist because many people fear the feelings evoked in themselves when other people openly express their sexuality. The former are scared to examine their own sexuality, in case they don't like what they find; they therefore do their utmost to bury it. Unfortunately by doing so, they find anything which might bring these feelings to the surface disquieting, and therefore attempt to suppress sexual exploration in society by making it a taboo. This becomes a vicious cycle, because the less accepting society is of the spectrum of sexuality, the more difficult it is for people to investigate - and subsequently accept - this crucial part of themselves.
This is a shame, because if these people chose to accept their feelings rather than push them away, gradually they would become more comfortable with them, and realize that maybe the feelings were trying to inform. Being comfortable with your sexuality is imperative for your happiness and well-being; likewise, self-acceptance is crucial to self-esteem. [For an excellent book on what strengthens or damages self-esteem and how to raise it, see 'The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' by Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.]
When it comes to exploring our sexuality through same-sex encounters, rather than allowing ourselves to be limited by society's taboos; we find the 'Do no harm' code of ethics to be beneficial. If the encounter is between two consenting adults i.e. you're not hurting yourself, the other person, or anyone else (e.g. lying to your husband about having sex with another woman), then there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and there's no reason to be concerned. So long as you're both comfortable with the proceedings, that you can both trust you're able stop at any time; you're in a safe space in which to explore.
One final note, 'Women Loving Women: Appreciating and Exploring the Beauty of Erotic Female Encounters' by Jamye Waxman is written specifically for heterosexual women and so therefore may hold little of interest for lesbians.
We live in a society that has pigeon-holes for sexuality; heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. In reality, sexuality is a spectrum - women (and men) can be interested in, and attracted to, the same sex, without considering themselves to be gay or bi.
In the late 1940s Alfred Kinsey developed a sexuality scale based on people's fantasies and real-life experiences. His scale ranged from 0 to 6, with 0 being completely heterosexual (i.e. had never had sexual thoughts about somebody of the same sex), 3 being a true bisexual and 6 being completely homosexual. His results were astonishing; only 10% of the population were a 0 or 6, everybody else fell somewhere along the spectrum.
Dr Fritz Klein later expanded on the Kinsey scale. He believed that a person's sexuality was not fixed and could change over the course of his or her lifetime. Which means that whilst you or I may have considered ourselves to be heterosexual during adolescence, we may now find ourselves attracted to women, or vice versa, or that our sexuality hasn't changed at all. I find this fascinating, because it means we can choose and re-choose what makes us happy, sex-wise, throughout our lives. Life is an exciting journey - if we allow it to be - and high self-esteem will carry us through any uncertainty this may cause. Klein wanted to show that we didn't have to limit our sexuality to those whom we fantasized about and/or screwed, but can include those we have close interactions with, and that it evolves over time.
Society, however, has unhelpful taboos around sexuality. These taboos exist because many people fear the feelings evoked in themselves when other people openly express their sexuality. The former are scared to examine their own sexuality, in case they don't like what they find; they therefore do their utmost to bury it. Unfortunately by doing so, they find anything which might bring these feelings to the surface disquieting, and therefore attempt to suppress sexual exploration in society by making it a taboo. This becomes a vicious cycle, because the less accepting society is of the spectrum of sexuality, the more difficult it is for people to investigate - and subsequently accept - this crucial part of themselves.
This is a shame, because if these people chose to accept their feelings rather than push them away, gradually they would become more comfortable with them, and realize that maybe the feelings were trying to inform. Being comfortable with your sexuality is imperative for your happiness and well-being; likewise, self-acceptance is crucial to self-esteem. [For an excellent book on what strengthens or damages self-esteem and how to raise it, see 'The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem' by Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.]
When it comes to exploring our sexuality through same-sex encounters, rather than allowing ourselves to be limited by society's taboos; we find the 'Do no harm' code of ethics to be beneficial. If the encounter is between two consenting adults i.e. you're not hurting yourself, the other person, or anyone else (e.g. lying to your husband about having sex with another woman), then there is nothing wrong with what you are doing and there's no reason to be concerned. So long as you're both comfortable with the proceedings, that you can both trust you're able stop at any time; you're in a safe space in which to explore.
One final note, 'Women Loving Women: Appreciating and Exploring the Beauty of Erotic Female Encounters' by Jamye Waxman is written specifically for heterosexual women and so therefore may hold little of interest for lesbians.
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