When I was in my early teens and not yet sexually active or masturbating, I read somewhere that a certain percentage of women were physically incapable of reaching orgasm. Guess who subsequently struggled to reach orgasm and therefore worried that she fell into this category?!
This fear that I was one of those doomed women who couldn't orgasm, meant that I was always uptight during sex and whilst masturbating. This is because I was constantly worrying about whether I would orgasm or not, which increased the likelihood that I wouldn't come and therefore reinforced my belief.
It took me many years of masturbation for me to easily reach orgasm. I learnt to relax. I learnt to stop worrying about whether I would come or not and just enjoy what I was feeling. The more I stopped focusing on the fact that I found it hard to orgasm, the easier I came, and eventually I was able to break my self-sabotaging belief.
I wish I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller had been published when I was a teenager, because reading it would have saved me years of worry and frustration. Apparently, the number of women who really are physically incapable of reaching orgasm is minuscule. Which means you're highly unlikely to be one of them.
According to Shere Hite in The Hite Report, the majority of women who had never reached orgasm were under thirty. (Women reach their sexual peak around 36-years-of-age.) So there is at least one compensation for getting older! It also means that if you're currently in your twenties or younger and struggling to orgasm, you will eventually get there. Although I realise this is little comfort now, if the worry that you can't orgasm is contributing to your being inorgasmic, then it may help you to relax and thus enjoy sex/masturbation more.
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Female Masturbation Workshops - Would You Attend One?
Back in the 60s/70s/80s Betty Dodson (author of Sex for One) conducted masturbation workshops in the USA, first for women and then, due to popular request, for men.
In these workshops, the dozen or so women would gather together in Dodson's lounge for a weekend and masturbate as a group. The aim was for the women to become more comfortable with their bodies, masturbating and discussing masturbation. As a group they would share what worked for them and what didn't; being able to swap tips meant they could try new things. Dodson didn't perceive masturbation as a poor substitute for sex; she saw it as an essential part of female sexuality. The workshops were hugely popular and Dodson continued running them for many years before calling it a day.
I can't think of anything currently running in the UK which comes anywhere close to this type of class. The nearest I can think of is a Tantric Sex workshop I heard about several years ago; unfortunately the workshop leader wasn't somebody I felt remotely comfortable with and so wasn't even tempted to try it.
I can't decide whether I would be willing to attend such a workshop, should one be available. Part of me is scared by the prospect - masturbation, like sex, is a personal and intimate thing - not something I'm usually willing to perform in front of strangers (even if those strangers are all women). Another part of me would value the availability of such workshops; they help to break down the walls of intimacy-aloofness women can have between themselves. I crave closeness and yet find it hard sometimes to get this need met with women friends. Done well, I think these workshops would help to bring female masturbation out of the closet. Masturbation is natural and normal, but at this point in time, we're still ashamed of it. Done poorly though, the sudden exposure of female masturbation in the media could undo much of the acceptance of this act, which has been so hard won over the decades.
Would you attend a masturbation workshop if it was run by a woman, and whom was deemed by you to be both trustworthy and qualified?
If there is anything you would like to add to this post, your contribution is welcomed in the comments section.
In these workshops, the dozen or so women would gather together in Dodson's lounge for a weekend and masturbate as a group. The aim was for the women to become more comfortable with their bodies, masturbating and discussing masturbation. As a group they would share what worked for them and what didn't; being able to swap tips meant they could try new things. Dodson didn't perceive masturbation as a poor substitute for sex; she saw it as an essential part of female sexuality. The workshops were hugely popular and Dodson continued running them for many years before calling it a day.
I can't think of anything currently running in the UK which comes anywhere close to this type of class. The nearest I can think of is a Tantric Sex workshop I heard about several years ago; unfortunately the workshop leader wasn't somebody I felt remotely comfortable with and so wasn't even tempted to try it.
I can't decide whether I would be willing to attend such a workshop, should one be available. Part of me is scared by the prospect - masturbation, like sex, is a personal and intimate thing - not something I'm usually willing to perform in front of strangers (even if those strangers are all women). Another part of me would value the availability of such workshops; they help to break down the walls of intimacy-aloofness women can have between themselves. I crave closeness and yet find it hard sometimes to get this need met with women friends. Done well, I think these workshops would help to bring female masturbation out of the closet. Masturbation is natural and normal, but at this point in time, we're still ashamed of it. Done poorly though, the sudden exposure of female masturbation in the media could undo much of the acceptance of this act, which has been so hard won over the decades.
Would you attend a masturbation workshop if it was run by a woman, and whom was deemed by you to be both trustworthy and qualified?
If there is anything you would like to add to this post, your contribution is welcomed in the comments section.
Monday, 29 December 2008
If Humans Had Tails...
If you've never bemoaned Homo sapiens's loss of its tail, now is the time to do so! Remember the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle we talked about in an earlier post, and that its strengthening at any opportune moment (supermarket queue/line, traffic jam, etc.), would bring a bigger smile to your orgasming face? Well, if we humans still had tails, we'd be able to wag our way to better orgasms!
No wonder dogs are always so happy!
No wonder dogs are always so happy!
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Female Masturbation - A Poor Substitute for Sex or an Essential Part of Female Sexuality?
Up until recently I viewed masturbation as a poor substitute for sex. It was something I did to keep the 'hysteria'* at bay whilst I was in between partners. Okay, given it has helped me to understand what makes me come and what doesn't, but I still saw it as 'second best' to the 'real thing'.
Whilst I still love sex, I'm starting to view masturbation as something I would do in conjunction with regular sex (I have a high sex drive, untempered as it is, by the contraceptive pill). I see now that I can enjoy both - each would fulfil different needs.
It's interesting that whilst half of women report reaching orgasm every time through masturbation, this falls to only a quarter every time from intercourse. Therefore, masturbation can still be seen as important for women in a relationship. If they don't masturbate, they may easily suffer from sexual frustration because sex is not providing orgasmic relief.
Masturbation is a readily available source of self-love. Sometimes you may want orgasmic release without having sex, and masturbation provides the ideal aid.
Masturbation can also serve another use: Allowing your partner to watch you masturbate sometimes, may allow him/her to understand what turns you on better. Ditto for you.
*Historically, hysteria was the diagnosis given to women who were, essentially, suffering from sexual frustration. A physician would manually bring them to orgasm using his fingers, until the invention of the vibrator, which was developed specifically as an aid to these physicians.
Whilst I still love sex, I'm starting to view masturbation as something I would do in conjunction with regular sex (I have a high sex drive, untempered as it is, by the contraceptive pill). I see now that I can enjoy both - each would fulfil different needs.
It's interesting that whilst half of women report reaching orgasm every time through masturbation, this falls to only a quarter every time from intercourse. Therefore, masturbation can still be seen as important for women in a relationship. If they don't masturbate, they may easily suffer from sexual frustration because sex is not providing orgasmic relief.
Masturbation is a readily available source of self-love. Sometimes you may want orgasmic release without having sex, and masturbation provides the ideal aid.
Masturbation can also serve another use: Allowing your partner to watch you masturbate sometimes, may allow him/her to understand what turns you on better. Ditto for you.
*Historically, hysteria was the diagnosis given to women who were, essentially, suffering from sexual frustration. A physician would manually bring them to orgasm using his fingers, until the invention of the vibrator, which was developed specifically as an aid to these physicians.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Kegel's Orgasmic Patients
Stay with me on this one. Dr Arnold Kegel developed exercises for strengthening the pubococcygeus muscle (mercifully shortened to PC muscle), for women suffering with urinary incontinence after childbirth. His name may have been rememebered only by gynaecology students, had his patients not discovered a startling side-effect of their diligence. Women who regularly practised his exercises were rewarded with increased sexual gratification. Meaning...
They had more orgasms!
They had more intense orgasms!
Women who before had been unable to orgasm found they were now able to come!
Woohoo!
The great thing about Kegel exercises is that you can do them anytime, anywhere. On the bus, stuck in a traffic jam, in a boring meeting, in the supermarket queue [line], whilst filling your car up, whilst masturbating, etc.
You will get the best results if you do them on a regular basis, which means remembering to do them. We find it helpful to link performing them with something we do already do. For example, Bunny likes to perform them whilst masturbating (which she does most days), because they make her orgasms better at the same time. If you get stuck in a traffic jam on your way home from work each day, you might want to make this time more productive and practise Kegeling. Find an occasion that works for you.
So, how do you Kegel?
To locate the PC muscle, simply stop the stream of urine next time you're on the toilet. This is the muscle you'll be working on. A word of caution: Once you've located the muscle this way, don't use each visit to the bathroom as your practise session; because repeatedly stopping-starting the stream of urine can (we understand) contribute to bladder infections.
Now that you've located the PC muscle, there are different 'exercise routines'(!) you can try:
1. Quick squeezes: quickly squeeze the PC muscle 15 times, then pause for 30 seconds and repeat. The first time you do it, perform 15 reps. The aim is to work your way up to 100 reps, twice a day.
2. Slow hold and release: slowly tighten the muscle and hold it for 5 seconds, then release slowly. Aim for eventually 25 reps twice a day.
3. Thirds: tighten the muscle one third of the way, pause, then squeeze until two thirds of the way, pause, then squeeze until all the way. Aim for 10 reps twice a day.
The idea is to make Kegeling fun for yourself, because let's face it, if you don't enjoy the act, you're not going to do them, no matter what promises of mind-blowing orgasms we tempt you with.
If you're completely unmoved by the thought of Kegeling, try squeezing your vibrator with your PC muscles next time you masturbate - you never know, the Earth may move (go on, allow me the pun). :)
They had more orgasms!
They had more intense orgasms!
Women who before had been unable to orgasm found they were now able to come!
Woohoo!
The great thing about Kegel exercises is that you can do them anytime, anywhere. On the bus, stuck in a traffic jam, in a boring meeting, in the supermarket queue [line], whilst filling your car up, whilst masturbating, etc.
You will get the best results if you do them on a regular basis, which means remembering to do them. We find it helpful to link performing them with something we do already do. For example, Bunny likes to perform them whilst masturbating (which she does most days), because they make her orgasms better at the same time. If you get stuck in a traffic jam on your way home from work each day, you might want to make this time more productive and practise Kegeling. Find an occasion that works for you.
So, how do you Kegel?
To locate the PC muscle, simply stop the stream of urine next time you're on the toilet. This is the muscle you'll be working on. A word of caution: Once you've located the muscle this way, don't use each visit to the bathroom as your practise session; because repeatedly stopping-starting the stream of urine can (we understand) contribute to bladder infections.
Now that you've located the PC muscle, there are different 'exercise routines'(!) you can try:
1. Quick squeezes: quickly squeeze the PC muscle 15 times, then pause for 30 seconds and repeat. The first time you do it, perform 15 reps. The aim is to work your way up to 100 reps, twice a day.
2. Slow hold and release: slowly tighten the muscle and hold it for 5 seconds, then release slowly. Aim for eventually 25 reps twice a day.
3. Thirds: tighten the muscle one third of the way, pause, then squeeze until two thirds of the way, pause, then squeeze until all the way. Aim for 10 reps twice a day.
The idea is to make Kegeling fun for yourself, because let's face it, if you don't enjoy the act, you're not going to do them, no matter what promises of mind-blowing orgasms we tempt you with.
If you're completely unmoved by the thought of Kegeling, try squeezing your vibrator with your PC muscles next time you masturbate - you never know, the Earth may move (go on, allow me the pun). :)
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Is Female Masturbation Evil?
I'm not clear why masturbation is still seen as wrong by religious orders. I realise the story of Onan in the Bible is used to condemn masturbation and, by the Catholic Church, sex without procreation. [Which to me smacks of a supposedly loving and merciful god killing two people for having independent thought.] However, biblical scholars view the killing of the two brothers Onan and Er to be an eponymous etiological myth - i.e. it didn't really happen as described, but is really meant to allude to the dying out of a clan. I'm no biblical scholar, but that to me rules out the connection between Onan and masturbation.
I'm not keen on the word evil, as I believe that all human actions are performed in an attempt to meet universal human needs (e.g. love, autonomy, independence, trust, honesty, etc. - for a full list, I overwhelmingly recommend the life-changing book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.); however, the strategy used to try and meet those needs may be tragic. For clarity, I'm not condoning anything that harms people (murder, rape, theft, etc.), I'm simply saying that I don't think labelling these actions as evil is helpful. I realise this is a radical way of viewing the world, so if you're interested, I recommend reading Rosenberg's book (above).
So, coming from this angle, we can simply ask, "Is masturbation harmful to me?"
Let's take a look:
Does masturbation cause physical harm?
No.
Contrary to popular myth, masturbation does not make you go blind or insane, cause acne, or make hairs grow on the palms of your hands.
In reality, the opposite is true - masturbation is physically good for you. It improves immunity, increases circulation, helps you to relax, and releases feel-good hormones into the bloodstream.
Does masturbation give rise to sexually transmitted diseases?
No.
Masturbation is the safest form of sex. You can't transmit any kind of STD to yourself from masturbation, unless you're already infected. For example, if you have a cold sore on your mouth (oral herpes), don't touch it and then masturbate without washing your hands first, as you'll give yourself genital herpes (for the same reason, don't give your partner oral sex if you have a cold sore).
You also can't get pregnant from masturbation, which makes me wonder why it isn't included in all of the sex education programs.
Will masturbation prevent you from enjoying sex?
No.
Masturbation can help you to enjoy sex more; the more you learn about what turns you on and what doesn't, the easier it'll be to convey to your partner what you do and don't like. Meaning, the more you understand what makes you come (and, just as importantly, what prevents you from coming); the more likely you are to orgasm.
Is masturbation harmful to anyone else?
Unless you're masturbating in front of a minor, or inflicting the act upon an unwilling adult viewer, we can't see how it can be harmful to anyone else.
I'm not keen on the word evil, as I believe that all human actions are performed in an attempt to meet universal human needs (e.g. love, autonomy, independence, trust, honesty, etc. - for a full list, I overwhelmingly recommend the life-changing book Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D.); however, the strategy used to try and meet those needs may be tragic. For clarity, I'm not condoning anything that harms people (murder, rape, theft, etc.), I'm simply saying that I don't think labelling these actions as evil is helpful. I realise this is a radical way of viewing the world, so if you're interested, I recommend reading Rosenberg's book (above).
So, coming from this angle, we can simply ask, "Is masturbation harmful to me?"
Let's take a look:
Does masturbation cause physical harm?
No.
Contrary to popular myth, masturbation does not make you go blind or insane, cause acne, or make hairs grow on the palms of your hands.
In reality, the opposite is true - masturbation is physically good for you. It improves immunity, increases circulation, helps you to relax, and releases feel-good hormones into the bloodstream.
Does masturbation give rise to sexually transmitted diseases?
No.
Masturbation is the safest form of sex. You can't transmit any kind of STD to yourself from masturbation, unless you're already infected. For example, if you have a cold sore on your mouth (oral herpes), don't touch it and then masturbate without washing your hands first, as you'll give yourself genital herpes (for the same reason, don't give your partner oral sex if you have a cold sore).
You also can't get pregnant from masturbation, which makes me wonder why it isn't included in all of the sex education programs.
Will masturbation prevent you from enjoying sex?
No.
Masturbation can help you to enjoy sex more; the more you learn about what turns you on and what doesn't, the easier it'll be to convey to your partner what you do and don't like. Meaning, the more you understand what makes you come (and, just as importantly, what prevents you from coming); the more likely you are to orgasm.
Is masturbation harmful to anyone else?
Unless you're masturbating in front of a minor, or inflicting the act upon an unwilling adult viewer, we can't see how it can be harmful to anyone else.
Friday, 19 December 2008
Body Image & Orgasms
Do you like your own body? Does looking at it bring you pleasure or do you stare critically at it, only seeing what you perceive as faults?
I don't know about you, but I grew-up with a very poor body image; obese as a child, I was picked on at school about my weight. This led me to hate my body as an adolescent. It has taken me many years to accept myself; helped by a healthy diet and exercising through enjoyable hobbies (dancing and martial arts). As an aside: If you've never managed to stick to an exercise routine, chances are you were going to the gym and/or doing a form of exercise for the sake of exercising; rather than something which you enjoyed doing, but which just so happened to involve exercise as well. I learnt this tip from male friends; why punish yourself through exercise when you can have a good time instead? Clever huh?! [This is possibly one of the reasons why there are fewer obese men than women.]
As for a healthy diet, I'm convinced most dieters fail because they've been tricked into believing that they can still eat 'treats', but just not as often. Some people have the willpower required to only occasionally eat calorie-laden nutrient-empty foods. Most people do not fall into this category. Try giving-up junk foods for good and you will eventually lose the taste for them. The reason why you currently crave them is because they are loaded with salt and sugar. Oh, and the reason why you crave food in general is because your body is crying-out for nutrients, so eating nutrient-dense foods will help curb these cravings.
Anyway, I digress... If we're loony enough to compare ourselves to images of airbrushed supermodels, we are, of course, doomed to measure-up short. With the resultant anguish this causes. This matters not only because of the negative impact it has on our self-esteem, but also because a poor body image can prevent us from enjoying sex. If, during a bit of horizontal jogging (yes, you can include sex in your exercise quotient), all you can focus on is how big your thighs are, don't be surprised if you don't orgasm. Orgasms come to those who focus on the sensations of pleasure, not to body-obsessed worry worts.
Yes, it's unfair. Believe me, I know.
Masturbation can help to shift your focus from 'how big your thighs are' to what feels good. Hopefully, if no one else is looking at you, your negative self-talk may be quietened a little, and you may be able to reach orgasm.
Has this helped?
I don't know about you, but I grew-up with a very poor body image; obese as a child, I was picked on at school about my weight. This led me to hate my body as an adolescent. It has taken me many years to accept myself; helped by a healthy diet and exercising through enjoyable hobbies (dancing and martial arts). As an aside: If you've never managed to stick to an exercise routine, chances are you were going to the gym and/or doing a form of exercise for the sake of exercising; rather than something which you enjoyed doing, but which just so happened to involve exercise as well. I learnt this tip from male friends; why punish yourself through exercise when you can have a good time instead? Clever huh?! [This is possibly one of the reasons why there are fewer obese men than women.]
As for a healthy diet, I'm convinced most dieters fail because they've been tricked into believing that they can still eat 'treats', but just not as often. Some people have the willpower required to only occasionally eat calorie-laden nutrient-empty foods. Most people do not fall into this category. Try giving-up junk foods for good and you will eventually lose the taste for them. The reason why you currently crave them is because they are loaded with salt and sugar. Oh, and the reason why you crave food in general is because your body is crying-out for nutrients, so eating nutrient-dense foods will help curb these cravings.
Anyway, I digress... If we're loony enough to compare ourselves to images of airbrushed supermodels, we are, of course, doomed to measure-up short. With the resultant anguish this causes. This matters not only because of the negative impact it has on our self-esteem, but also because a poor body image can prevent us from enjoying sex. If, during a bit of horizontal jogging (yes, you can include sex in your exercise quotient), all you can focus on is how big your thighs are, don't be surprised if you don't orgasm. Orgasms come to those who focus on the sensations of pleasure, not to body-obsessed worry worts.
Yes, it's unfair. Believe me, I know.
Masturbation can help to shift your focus from 'how big your thighs are' to what feels good. Hopefully, if no one else is looking at you, your negative self-talk may be quietened a little, and you may be able to reach orgasm.
Has this helped?
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