When I was in my early teens and not yet sexually active or masturbating, I read somewhere that a certain percentage of women were physically incapable of reaching orgasm. Guess who subsequently struggled to reach orgasm and therefore worried that she fell into this category?!
This fear that I was one of those doomed women who couldn't orgasm, meant that I was always uptight during sex and whilst masturbating. This is because I was constantly worrying about whether I would orgasm or not, which increased the likelihood that I wouldn't come and therefore reinforced my belief.
It took me many years of masturbation for me to easily reach orgasm. I learnt to relax. I learnt to stop worrying about whether I would come or not and just enjoy what I was feeling. The more I stopped focusing on the fact that I found it hard to orgasm, the easier I came, and eventually I was able to break my self-sabotaging belief.
I wish I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller had been published when I was a teenager, because reading it would have saved me years of worry and frustration. Apparently, the number of women who really are physically incapable of reaching orgasm is minuscule. Which means you're highly unlikely to be one of them.
According to Shere Hite in The Hite Report, the majority of women who had never reached orgasm were under thirty. (Women reach their sexual peak around 36-years-of-age.) So there is at least one compensation for getting older! It also means that if you're currently in your twenties or younger and struggling to orgasm, you will eventually get there. Although I realise this is little comfort now, if the worry that you can't orgasm is contributing to your being inorgasmic, then it may help you to relax and thus enjoy sex/masturbation more.
Showing posts with label shere hite. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shere hite. Show all posts
Wednesday, 31 December 2008
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Would You Masturbate in Front of Your Female Friends?
Would you masturbate in front of your female friends? A lot of women are happy masturbating in front of their boyfriend/partner/husband, but what about their female friends? We're not talking about so they can watch, unless that is something which you want to do, we're simply talking about two heterosexual women masturbating at the same time, in the same room.
We're not suggesting you suddenly start masturbating whilst one of your friends is round, that is, inflicting it upon an unwilling participant; we're talking about two women agreeing to masturbate in the same room.
It's something that we've recently started doing. It started off that we'd talk about masturbation, then talk about when we'd masturbated and our experience of that particular orgasm, and then we'd happen to be together when we were both feeling randy. So, we'd begin masturbating at the same time, but in different rooms, and then wait until the other person had finished. Until one day Bunny suggested doing it in the same room; we don't watch each other, that's not what this is about for us. It's simply a way of sharing more intimacy. We then snuggle afterwards. It's more intimacy that we as women can easily share; it makes masturbation even less of a taboo and we think it's important to break-down this wall of fear associated with masturbation. We think the more women become comfortable doing it in front of their female friends, the faster masturbation will be viewed as the normal act which it is, and the sooner masturbation taboos will disappear from society.
We're not suggesting you suddenly start masturbating whilst one of your friends is round, that is, inflicting it upon an unwilling participant; we're talking about two women agreeing to masturbate in the same room.
It's something that we've recently started doing. It started off that we'd talk about masturbation, then talk about when we'd masturbated and our experience of that particular orgasm, and then we'd happen to be together when we were both feeling randy. So, we'd begin masturbating at the same time, but in different rooms, and then wait until the other person had finished. Until one day Bunny suggested doing it in the same room; we don't watch each other, that's not what this is about for us. It's simply a way of sharing more intimacy. We then snuggle afterwards. It's more intimacy that we as women can easily share; it makes masturbation even less of a taboo and we think it's important to break-down this wall of fear associated with masturbation. We think the more women become comfortable doing it in front of their female friends, the faster masturbation will be viewed as the normal act which it is, and the sooner masturbation taboos will disappear from society.
Monday, 15 December 2008
Female Friendships
Women frequently drop their female friendships when a man comes along. It is the most common complaint, that a friendship once cherished is no longer nurtured by the other woman, because she got married and now doesn't have time for her friendships.
Although common, this is a foolish situation for women to get themselves into. If anything happens to their husband, if their relationship falls apart, it is their friends they'll need to turn to and yet won't have if they've failed to sustain them.
Why are women so willing to drop their female friendships when a man comes along? Is it because society doesn't view female friendships as important and therefore women get sucked into this belief? Women frequently complain that they no longer have time to spend with their female friends, but is that because they take on more than their fair share of household chores, childcare and work? What if they were to maintain firmer boundaries and not allow themselves to become overwhelmed with responsibilities? Men might not like it, but women wouldn't feel so burned out.
Being aware that it's common for women to drop their friendships when they get married, is the first step in preventing yourself from committing the same mistake. Women receive a huge amount of emotional support from their friendships and so it makes sense to maintain them, even when you get married.
Although common, this is a foolish situation for women to get themselves into. If anything happens to their husband, if their relationship falls apart, it is their friends they'll need to turn to and yet won't have if they've failed to sustain them.
Why are women so willing to drop their female friendships when a man comes along? Is it because society doesn't view female friendships as important and therefore women get sucked into this belief? Women frequently complain that they no longer have time to spend with their female friends, but is that because they take on more than their fair share of household chores, childcare and work? What if they were to maintain firmer boundaries and not allow themselves to become overwhelmed with responsibilities? Men might not like it, but women wouldn't feel so burned out.
Being aware that it's common for women to drop their friendships when they get married, is the first step in preventing yourself from committing the same mistake. Women receive a huge amount of emotional support from their friendships and so it makes sense to maintain them, even when you get married.
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Female Intimacy
How intimate are you willing to be with your female friends? Have you ever snuggled in bed with them? Maybe kissed them? There appears to be a barrier as to what is an acceptable level of intimacy for two heterosexual women to have with each other. Except we're not too keen on the word heterosexual anymore, as we prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, rather than cut-and-dried.
Society would prefer to see any kind of sexual intimacy between two women as taboo. It's still not keen on lesbians and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Notice the eyebrows raised if two female friends choose to buy a house together. The automatic assumption is that they must be lesbians, not to mention that being a lesbian is a bad thing. Living in this kind of society, therefore, we're experimenting without any kind of guidelines in place. As we've mentioned before, we like the 'Do No Harm' code of ethics; if you're not hurting yourself, the other person or anybody else, then what happens between two consenting adults is up to them.
We do think it's important to experiment though. When women become happy sharing intimacy with each other, rather than believing it has to be kept solely with a man, they will no longer be controlled by peer pressure. When the fear of being labelled a lesbian no longer holds any fear for women, when it no longer has any kind of control over them, they can stop being bitchy towards each other in the workplace, and start supporting and empowering each other instead. In her book, The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women, Shere Hite believes women backstabbing each other is down to this fear of being seen as becoming too intimate with another woman and consequently being labelled a lesbian. Whereas if women are constantly bickering and fighting, no one is going to accuse them of such a thing.
The first step to becoming more intimate with female friends is to realise that there's nothing wrong with it. Cuddling on the settee whilst watching a film, is a perfectly acceptable way for two friends to spend time with each other. If you think this is self-evident and are already intimate with female friends, then congratulations. If the thought scares you, Why does it? Is it the fear of being labelled a lesbian that scares you? If so, realise that society uses this taboo as a very effective weapon for controlling women. If women are afraid to get their intimacy needs met with other women, they can only look to men, which keeps them locked into their reproductive role in society.
It's time for women to cast-off the fear associated with same-sex intimacy and instead treat the taboo with the contempt it deserves.
Society would prefer to see any kind of sexual intimacy between two women as taboo. It's still not keen on lesbians and would rather pretend they didn't exist. Notice the eyebrows raised if two female friends choose to buy a house together. The automatic assumption is that they must be lesbians, not to mention that being a lesbian is a bad thing. Living in this kind of society, therefore, we're experimenting without any kind of guidelines in place. As we've mentioned before, we like the 'Do No Harm' code of ethics; if you're not hurting yourself, the other person or anybody else, then what happens between two consenting adults is up to them.
We do think it's important to experiment though. When women become happy sharing intimacy with each other, rather than believing it has to be kept solely with a man, they will no longer be controlled by peer pressure. When the fear of being labelled a lesbian no longer holds any fear for women, when it no longer has any kind of control over them, they can stop being bitchy towards each other in the workplace, and start supporting and empowering each other instead. In her book, The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women, Shere Hite believes women backstabbing each other is down to this fear of being seen as becoming too intimate with another woman and consequently being labelled a lesbian. Whereas if women are constantly bickering and fighting, no one is going to accuse them of such a thing.
The first step to becoming more intimate with female friends is to realise that there's nothing wrong with it. Cuddling on the settee whilst watching a film, is a perfectly acceptable way for two friends to spend time with each other. If you think this is self-evident and are already intimate with female friends, then congratulations. If the thought scares you, Why does it? Is it the fear of being labelled a lesbian that scares you? If so, realise that society uses this taboo as a very effective weapon for controlling women. If women are afraid to get their intimacy needs met with other women, they can only look to men, which keeps them locked into their reproductive role in society.
It's time for women to cast-off the fear associated with same-sex intimacy and instead treat the taboo with the contempt it deserves.
Friday, 12 December 2008
'The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women' by Shere Hite
Every now and again in my life I come across a book which completely transforms my way of thinking. I believe 'The Hite Report: On Women Loving Women' by Shere Hite could become one of them.
Hite's book is potentially groundbreaking work on female relationships (not, as you may presume, solely lesbian relationships), and how the lack of open and honest communication between mothers and daughters on female sexuality during childhood is damaging not only their own relationship, but the relationship between sisters, female friendships and women's advancement in society.
Even today, women may feel more pride identifying with their fathers than their mothers. There's still something shameful, something inferior, about being a woman, and this belief is pervasive and insidious in society. Given this belief, women are left with the feeling that if they accept who they are and identify themselves as women, it's akin to admitting they're failures and 'second class citizens'. A person whom by dint of her sex is unworthy of an executive job, high-paid salary and equality in the workplace - who would want to associate herself as such?
This shame about being a woman is laid during childhood, believes Hite, by mothers refusing to be open and honest with their daughters about their sexuality.
Teenage girls desperately want to know more about their mother's body and sex life, so that they can then better understand their own. Yet the mother is naturally unforthcoming about such information; the changes are happening to the girl and she has many puzzling questions about it, yet her mother is keeping the answers hidden, a secret. Why isn't the girl allowed to ask her mother about her own body and sexuality? Even if the mother is willing to discuss periods with her daughter, she will rarely share her own experiences of this phenomenon; meaning the girl is supposed to accept this intrusion into her personal life by the mother, but not the other way round. This lack of two-way conversation is possibly the reason why teenage girls develop an irritable relationship with their mothers.
Girls cannot understand why their mother is so coy about her own sexuality. Why must it be kept hidden away as if it doesn't exist? Is there something shameful about a woman being sexual? What about orgasms, is it okay for women to have them? These questions are frequently in the child's minds, even if she may not have the words in which to express them. When sexuality is hidden as it is by the mother, these questions remained unanswered and form a barrier between mother and daughter. Daughters feel that they cannot trust their mother - they live with this person and yet there is a huge part of her that remains hidden, unspoken of. The daughter may feel it is unfair that her mother knows a lot about her and frequently sees her body, but is unwilling to share intimate details about herself.
Daughters presume that because the mother is unwilling to share her sexuality, that there must be something wrong with a girl being sexual, having a sex life and having orgasms. If there wasn't, why wouldn't her mother be more upfront about it? This is where the shame of being a woman starts. This lack of mistrust between mother and daughter is also the start of women's lifelong poor relationships with other women; the bickering, backstabbing and lack of nurturing between women that has become so prevalent in society.
Mothers and daughters developing two-way, open and honest communication about sexuality could pave the way for more nurturing female relationships in society. And make women who are proud to be women, because the essence of who we are as sexual beings is no longer viewed as shameful and demeaning.
Hite has come under fire by psychologists in the past for the lack of rigour in her sampling methods, leading to flawed results. This Hite Report was published late 2007 and so far, I've been unable to find information on the web which either supports or discredits her sampling methods for this Hite Report. I hope, for the sake of the crucial message in this book, she has learnt from previous mistakes and been more rigorous this time.
Hite's book is potentially groundbreaking work on female relationships (not, as you may presume, solely lesbian relationships), and how the lack of open and honest communication between mothers and daughters on female sexuality during childhood is damaging not only their own relationship, but the relationship between sisters, female friendships and women's advancement in society.
Even today, women may feel more pride identifying with their fathers than their mothers. There's still something shameful, something inferior, about being a woman, and this belief is pervasive and insidious in society. Given this belief, women are left with the feeling that if they accept who they are and identify themselves as women, it's akin to admitting they're failures and 'second class citizens'. A person whom by dint of her sex is unworthy of an executive job, high-paid salary and equality in the workplace - who would want to associate herself as such?
This shame about being a woman is laid during childhood, believes Hite, by mothers refusing to be open and honest with their daughters about their sexuality.
Teenage girls desperately want to know more about their mother's body and sex life, so that they can then better understand their own. Yet the mother is naturally unforthcoming about such information; the changes are happening to the girl and she has many puzzling questions about it, yet her mother is keeping the answers hidden, a secret. Why isn't the girl allowed to ask her mother about her own body and sexuality? Even if the mother is willing to discuss periods with her daughter, she will rarely share her own experiences of this phenomenon; meaning the girl is supposed to accept this intrusion into her personal life by the mother, but not the other way round. This lack of two-way conversation is possibly the reason why teenage girls develop an irritable relationship with their mothers.
Girls cannot understand why their mother is so coy about her own sexuality. Why must it be kept hidden away as if it doesn't exist? Is there something shameful about a woman being sexual? What about orgasms, is it okay for women to have them? These questions are frequently in the child's minds, even if she may not have the words in which to express them. When sexuality is hidden as it is by the mother, these questions remained unanswered and form a barrier between mother and daughter. Daughters feel that they cannot trust their mother - they live with this person and yet there is a huge part of her that remains hidden, unspoken of. The daughter may feel it is unfair that her mother knows a lot about her and frequently sees her body, but is unwilling to share intimate details about herself.
Daughters presume that because the mother is unwilling to share her sexuality, that there must be something wrong with a girl being sexual, having a sex life and having orgasms. If there wasn't, why wouldn't her mother be more upfront about it? This is where the shame of being a woman starts. This lack of mistrust between mother and daughter is also the start of women's lifelong poor relationships with other women; the bickering, backstabbing and lack of nurturing between women that has become so prevalent in society.
Mothers and daughters developing two-way, open and honest communication about sexuality could pave the way for more nurturing female relationships in society. And make women who are proud to be women, because the essence of who we are as sexual beings is no longer viewed as shameful and demeaning.
Hite has come under fire by psychologists in the past for the lack of rigour in her sampling methods, leading to flawed results. This Hite Report was published late 2007 and so far, I've been unable to find information on the web which either supports or discredits her sampling methods for this Hite Report. I hope, for the sake of the crucial message in this book, she has learnt from previous mistakes and been more rigorous this time.
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